You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
