I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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