I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
