If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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