She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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