And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
