bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
