Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
