Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My life is pants optional.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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