4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
