someone threw a dead crab at me
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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