I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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