i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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