In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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