She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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