I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
