...so i touched it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
