you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
