I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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