Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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