I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
