My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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