yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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