My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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