Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
