i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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