that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
