you turned your livingroom into a bong?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
