That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
