So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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