During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize