There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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