This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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