you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We are two peas in an std pod
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
