this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Damn victory sex feels great
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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