My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
