Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
