considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
