if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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