My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My feet surprised me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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