to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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