I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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