my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
