It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
