uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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