I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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