Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fuck appropriateness.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
