I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
