highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
