my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
