Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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