So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
