ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
