Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
