So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
honey bunches of taint.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
