I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
